Mrs. Wang- an update

Today I arrived fifteen minutes early to pick up Miriam. It was pouring rain outside- which always makes pick up fun on the bike! I was just groaning that I had to stand outside in the rain. That was until I felt an arm around me. It was Mrs. Wang telling me hello and wanting to share my umbrella. I was so thankful to see her!

 Because a whole group of Grandmas were discussing me, my belly, our family ect. I could feel the anger that (again) they will not talk to me about these things. When dear Mrs. Wang put her arm over my shoulder. It was like God was saying- stop being angry and just talk to your friend!

"Raining a lot today" I said
"Yes, and I need an umbrella" Mrs. Wang said

Silence....

"So you don't have to pay a fine then." She said to me followed by,
"Will you find out if it is a boy or a girl?"

"No, will not find out -and some hospitals will not tell you the sex at all they are scared you will not want the baby."
(abortions for the 'wrong' sex of baby are very common here and so most hospitals now have rules banning telling you what sex the baby will be) I replied back to her.

"Having three kids is really unheard of in my hometown (Mrs. Wang is not from Shanghai but a nearby city)" she said.

"But even to have two kids you have to pay 50, 000 Yuan (or almost $8,000). If you have three there is no chance for them to have a Hukou" (this is kind of like a Social Security Number- it allows you to be know as a citizen)

Mrs. Wang has two kids- two boys actually. She did not divulge if she had to pay that fine. But she did tell me people sell their homes sometimes so they can pay this fee.

More silence. More rain. Then the gates open.

Mrs. Wang puts her arm around my very pregnant waist and we walk in together under the same umbrella to Miriam's school. My mind if racing with the simple fact that I could have as many children as I want, in any country I want, anytime I want and probably never sell a house, bribe an official or really sacrifice much. And here stands Mrs. Wang who probably gave up more than I will ever know to have a second son and not abort him. In the silence, in the rain as we walked into school together I felt sad for China- but happy for her friendly arm around me in a very strange place like- China.

Mrs, Wang

Hi blog faithful. Sorry there have not been a lot of posts as of late. Blame me- it is hard to find time!

But something happened this week I wanted to record and you all get to read!

As most of you know Miriam attends a local elementary school. The first year at the school was mostly dealing with peoples comments there that a “foreigner” (and yes, they call that name to your face here) attended their school. Most of first grade I fielded daily questions such as…why are you here?....why did you leave America?....is your husband Chinese?....why don’t you have a car?....ect. It was your basic run of the mill- “what in the world is foreigner doing at our school” kind of line of questioning.

Second grade brought with it silence and much local dialect being said about me while I stood there and watched them talk about me. Most people knew the basics about us, so others would share when I walked up. A few brave Moms (but mostly Grandmas) would translate what they were saying into Chinese (from Shanghaiese) so I could know if the facts about me were true! Most people as we waited for our kids to be let off from school (no school bus you pick the kids up on bikes) just stared, some smiles, some blew smoke in my face ( from the cheap
Chinese cigarettes they smoke) but a few friends started to emerge from the smoke. Mostly Moms who knew I needed (a lot) of help to navigate the waters that is Chinese local School. My good friends consist of : Cindy ,Pear Grandma and Mrs. Wang. Cindy rides the bus one hour each way to take her daughter to and from school. She really cares about her daughter- Megan and really is a great friend to me. Pear Grandma thinks when Miraim is sick she should just eat more pears (well, steamed pears actually- she goes into much detail on how to steam them), she scolds me for giving her peanut butter as a snack and in general is really good at telling me what to do. But she helps with the Shanghaiese into Chinese- which I need a lot. She also has great hair- but that is a side note. Lastly, is Mrs. Wang- who loves to wear short shorts, even in the winter. She is my neighbor and helps me sometimes pick up Miriam when I can not.

This year at school, our third, I tried something new. In China you state the obvious when you meet someone. You do not ask “how are you” but instead:…have you eaten….where are you going/where did you go….you look fat…you look skinny…how much did you pay for your bike….etc. Asking these very direct questions feel like nails on a chalkboard sometimes to me. And so, for grade 1 and grade 2 did not ask these questions to my above named friends. I usually waited for them to ask me, or asked- “recently, how have you been”. Cindy would respond well to that one. I never had to say anything to Pear Grandma- as she was also quick to judge something I was already doing! Mrs. Wang has been a tougher nut to crack. Often she is quiet or in a hurry.

But on Tuesday we walked in together . So I asked her “so, have you been busy lately?” she responded with a kind of strange look (at this point I was thinking maybe I should of gone with the “  you look skinny”) and said “no”. So changing to her son, I asked how he was. She responded with “he is at school” and then in the same breath looked at my fast expanded belly and asked me “so, how much fine will you pay”.

Pause here- in the land of one child policy having more than one kid is a big deal. I get daily DAILY did I mention DAILY lectures about the one child policy from perfect strangers on the elevator, when I buy fruit, when I go out period. In addition you can actually have more than one child here if you pay a fine. This is not a fixed amount. It is determined on who you know in the government, and where you live in China. I have heard most fines are 10,000-100,000 yuan. So a big range!

Back to Mrs. Wang. My heart just dropped when she said this to me about the fines. I guess I thought she would not have to lecture me. Or that, she would even me happy for me? (note- no one I meet at school has said they are happy for me. Or congratulations on the new baby. Most gasp , look in horror and ask why would I do this. When I told Cindy I was pregnant again, she asked if I really wanted to be or not.)

When I said no, we do not pay a fine for more babies. She kind of glared at me and said “yeah, you are from America” and walked away. So then I wonder is she mad that I don’t have to pay a fine? Or what? All week this has made me upset.

But then today when I was talking about it with some good friends who have lived here a long time I was given some insights. Mrs. Wang was just talking to me like she would talk to a friend. Very directly, very honest and with no holds barred. I started to think instead of being hurt by her I instead should be honored she would ask such a direct question.

So, that was my culture/language lesson for the week. Direct communication is hard. Direct communication is even harder when Chinese people do it back at you. And don’t look to them for any kind of validation about your life!